Sunny side up

So I was out of town recently. Catching up with friends, and I also went to see my Aunt. The usual conversation about why I’m not married yet, she has three sisters who are also unmarried, they are a bit older than me. She got married to my Uncle when she was 30, and I know she was struggling at the time to find a partner, so in a way she does empathise with what we are going through.

After the usual volley:

Stop being fussy – Why? I have every right to be.

Just get on with it – It’s all or nothing for me.

Go back home – This is my home!

You need to settle – For happiness and nothing less.

She then said to me something that her friend had suggested her sisters do.

That I should think about having my eggs frozen…because you know if you don’t find somebody straightaway, then at least you have your good eggs to fall back on.

Hmmm.

Now. I want to have babies, I adore children. Perhaps I will have ten or one, or even none. And that’s cool with me, it really is. But to freeze my eggs? an insurance policy for my ovaries?

What about my Kismet? What is written for me? I know somebody who miscarried, and her response was ‘I didn’t want it anyway’, and then it took her ten years to fall pregnant. And my other friend, her brother and sister-in-law were childless for eighteen years, and were happily settled and were content with their lot, and then she fell pregnant. Nothing short of a miracle they said, and a complete shock to both of them.

Whatever is to be will be Inshallah.

I know it’s food for thought. I really want to work a basket pun into this somewhere, but I’m too tired.

I’ll get it

The bill that is, after a potential partner meet up.

I never expect guys to pay, ever. But I’m always pleasantly surprised when they do. I usually say at the beginning ‘let’s go dutch’, just to get it out of the way. Some guys will insist on paying…if he says it a third time I will let him, and offer to leave a tip, or I make a point of getting it the next time, no arguments.

Also, when I meet a guy, I’m careful about not choosing an expensive high-end eatery. I don’t think it’s fair, as you don’t know what somebody can afford, I think 10-15 pounds per head is reasonable. Posh places are for the 3rd meeting onwards.

So. I met a guy a while ago. He was actually based near Manchester, about 20 mins away by car. We had chatted a few times, and as I was going to be in Manchester in a few weeks time to see family, I mentioned this, and said that if we were still chatting we could meet for coffee (or hot chocolate in my case. I don’t really drink coffee, and I’ve never had tea. I do like cold milk though, with a sprinkling of cinnamon)

So I was there, and he got in touch and wanted to meet. Our family weren’t staying far from Wilmslow Road…home to most of Manchester’s curry houses. I said I had already eaten, so it really was going to be a drink and nothing more on my part.

I arrived, and we went into a restaurant, I thought we would just have coffee and cake. I actually had an orange juice, as I was so full, that even a hot chocolate would be pushing it. He said he was peckish, so he ordered a mixed grill, and a drink. We chatted for a bit, the conversation was ok. Anyway, after he had finished and had dessert too, we asked for the bill. I don’t even know why I picked it up, as that’s what got me into bother the last time. He said ‘I think you should pay, it should be your treat’. I said ‘and why is that?’ He replied ‘because I was driving for 20 mins, and you were just down the road’.

I didn’t want to point out that I had actually driven for 4 hours the previous evening to get to Manchester.

So I smiled, and said ‘that’s fine’, and I paid up. We said our goodbyes, he didn’t offer to walk me to my car, and that was that.

The next day he text me to ask if we could meet again, and I said I didn’t think we were going to be compatible.

When I returned home we had an MSN chat where I explained I couldn’t possibly marry a man who let me pay for his meal. He said I was being petty and I would change my mind.

He still emails me every so often to ask me if I’ve changed my mind.

I know it’s petty, but frankly I don’t really care. Sometimes the really little things annoy me, depending on my mood. I thought he was being a jerk, and initially I thought he was joking. It’s not about the money at all, if he was a gentleman he would have at least offered to pay for his share, which by the way was about 90% of the total.

The other time I met somebody who was a recommendation from a friend. He was a Lawyer from nearby, and he suggested an expensive restaurant in town. Now, I suppose it was silly of me to assume that as he had suggested the place, he would be paying. (My cheap eats rule above?)

I had a drink and a main course. He had drinks, and two starters and a main, and a dessert. I couldn’t really go all out,I was a bit nervous, and I still had to act like a lady (which is why Nando’s is never a first date option)

Anyway, after the meal he asked for the bill, and when it arrived it just sat there. And the longer it sat there, I kept thinking about it, and the more I thought about it, the more awkward I felt. So I reached over for it, and then I reached down for my bag, and took out my purse. He just watched me the whole time. I wondered if he was actually going to say anything at all.

He didn’t. And after what seemed like ages, but in reality must have only been about 8 seconds, I said ‘ I’ll get this’ and he said ‘Oh ok, thanks’. I waved at the waitress so I could pay. It was a stupid amount of money, but I consider it a small price to pay, for not marrying the idiot.

He told my mutual friend afterwards that he thought I was good company etc. I told her he wasn’t my type, and that I wasn’t interested in seeing him again. She didn’t set me up with anybody else after that.

Random quotes

” I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.”
–Tom Clancy

 ”You know “that look” women get when they want sex? Me neither.”
–Steve Martin
 

“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”
–Woody Allen
 

 ”Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”
–Rodney Dangerfield

 
“Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.”
–George Burns

 
“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.”
–Sharon Stone

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”
–Jack Nicholson

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”
–Barbara Bush

“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”
–Robin Williams

“Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.”
– Roseanne

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”
–Billy Crystal

“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.”
–Robert De Niro

 ” There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?”
–Dustin Hoffman

The test drivers

Apologies if this is offensive, I would also like to issue a TMI warning.

I had actually rejoined shaadi dot com after a few years of nothingness. Partly due to family going on at me about getting married, but also because I thought it was time for me to make a serious effort on my part too, instead of just waiting for Mr Right to appear magically.

So it was a while ago when I re-registered. I couldn’t remember my details from the last time I used it, which was about five years ago I think, and that’s how I met my then seeing-each-other-leading-to-marriage-boyfriendish-person.

I had actually forgotten what it was like to be back on there. The first decline is still always the worst, no matter if you have done it all before. I do find that over this time, I have blips in my self-esteem, being e-rejected will do wonders for your self-confidence. Not. I know it’s a screen, and I know I can console myself that it’s their loss, but to be rejected by a click is still a bit disheartening.

In the first few weeks I had a lot of interest, fresh meat perhaps?

However in the first month something strange happened. I had four guys ask me about having pre-marital sex.

5 years ago, I was never asked anything of the sort. I mean I had the usual nonsense about my dress size, and asked about my favourite fantasy, but it had never gone this far. I couldn’t believe that in such a short time the game had changed so much, and to such an extent. And the fact that it happened four times in the initial month is what threw me, I began to wonder if this was now the norm for Muslims seeking a marriage partner?

One guy was around 38, let’s call him F. he was a divorcee. We got on really well, he was ok looking, he thought I was attractive, we had a lot of things in common, we got on quite well. So he brought up a conversation about being together as a couple (hypothetically) once we had agreed to be married. And if he had physical needs, would I be willing to fulfil them as he would consider me his partner.

I said that I would want to wait for marriage, and to be really honest it’s not like I would be having a long engagement, as 1) I don’t agree with them 2) Like my Mum hasn’t been secretly planning my wedding since I hit puberty, I would probably be married within six weeks anyway 3) If two people know they want to get married, just get on with it, why the delay? 

He  said that he felt that sex was something he would like to explore with his partner before marriage, in order to make sure they were compatible. I said that I was not a car to be test driven, and I would like for my partner to respect my views on the matter and be patient. He said I was being very naive. he went on to tell me that he had two friends that got married to each other, and they both came to him separately because they were having problems in the bedroom, and that I should realise how serious a matter it is, that once the physical side of things suffers, it will lead to other problems in the marriage too. I asked him if that’s why he was divorced, and he said no. It was a lengthy conversation, with him saying things like ‘but we would be getting married anyway’ etc. I again reiterated what I had previously said…in the end I said look there is no point continuing because we obviously want and expect very different things. It didn’t just end there. He sent me numerous text messages telling me that ‘You will be miserable when you get married, because you will end up with a man who can’t satisfy you’, and ‘don’t come complaining to me when it goes wrong’ and ‘mark my words’, and ‘you will regret not being with me’.

One of the other guys asked me in the first phone conversation, about sleeping together before marriage, because he wanted to be sure that he would be sexually compatible with his wife, and that he’d always had sex with his previous girlfriends. The other two said something similar. There is even a current profile on shaadi dot com which states in its closing lines ‘please note that I may wish to engage in a physical  relationship before marriage, so bear this in mind when making contact’.

Now, I know plenty of girls who have sex before marriage. I understand how and why it happens; you’re in love, you’re alone, he says the right things, and your emotions get the better of you and before you know it you are bumping uglies. Consensual sex I should add, it’s not always a case of being pressured. These things happen. If I was a different person I might well be having the sex too.

But I’m not. I’m also acutely aware that if this was a conventional rishta coming to my house for tea and samosas they wouldn’t ask me this. Does the anonymity of the web allow them to be upfront? or do they just see it as asking what they deem to be important?

I think the sex is important.

Except I’m hardly going to put that on my profile. Or put on that I spent a year learning burlesque, and that I can do a striptease to the pink panther theme. It’s a standing joke between my friends that I’m not to be disturbed for a year after marriage because I will be having the sex and making up for lost time. I will try anything once as long as it isn’t haraam.

I like to think that I would do whatever I had to, to make my husband happy (and vice versa), sexual or otherwise. I draw the line at gimp masks though. Without going off on a tangent I do believe in give and take, and even if that for me is give and give, then so be it.

Maybe shaadi dot com need another info section ‘Sexual proclivities’ with a yes/no against lights on, nurse outfits, mirrored ceilings.Where you could describe your outlook on it as traditional, moderate or liberal. I’m all for even talking frankly about the sex to be had, if I was in the position of having found the one.

Actions speak louder than words…I want to be a really good wife Inshallah, but equally what if I wasn’t able to live up to his performance standards? Yes I know it’s about communicating with one another etc. and being open, honest and upfront. Does love really conquer all? If I throw religiosity into the mix, is it safe to assume that because we are Muslims he will ignore the below par sex? That piety negates the need to have your toes curl in the throes of passion?

Have I gone too far?

Wafflings

Azra wrote a wonderful post about keeping a diary. It got me thinking generally about blogging and stuff. I’m finding it quite cathartic, and helpful, especially as I get older I worry that I’m going to start forgetting things. Although she made an important point about holding back things, and letting out 90% of what she wanted to.

Although I had started it to record my hubby searching tales, I have a feeling it will be more than that. I have kept my blog anonymous, (well as anonymous as can be) because I really do want to be able to say whatever I want. I know people may or may not read it, but I figure I don’t have to hold back, seeing as nobody really knows who I am, with the exception of Adila. Even that’s ok because we both have enough dirt on each other, to keep us mutually quiet.

I just wish I could learn to type faster.

Deja dork

A couple of hours ago I received a message from shaadi dot com.

Telling me that somebody had expressed interest me, he had given his email and his contact number. And he had forgotten that we had chatted and met up last year, and I never heard from him again.

So, I rang the number…

Him: Hello

Me: Salaam, I just got your email via shaadi dot com

Him: Just now?

Me: Yes

Him: What’s your profile name?

Me: ___________________

Him: Oh ok. Hey are you Scottish? How are you? What’s your name? What do you do?

Me: Yes I am, I’m good thanks. My name is __________, I ____________.

Him: I’m W.

Me: You don’t remember me do you?

Him: No?

Me: We met last year, I was in London for a wedding. We met near Euston station? You were late, and I had to go as I was seeing friends?

Him: We did?………………….Oh yeah, we did, I remember.

Me: Uh-huh

Him: Did we have sex?

Me: (after a pause) No.

Him: Ok…So where have you been?

Me: Around. You stopped calling, and didn’t reply to my texts so I assumed you weren’t interested.

(silence)

Him: It wasn’t that, I don’t think I want to even get  married, and you seem a religious girl. I just want to date and that, if I meet somebody I can’t live without I will put a ring on her finger.

Me: That’s not what your profile says.

Him: So do you want to meet up again?

Me: No, sorry I don’t. Good luck.

(I said my goodbye, and we ended the conversation)

In case you were missing something

Shaadi dot com have added some new sections, so you can give even more information on your profile.

 

In ‘About myself’ we have:

Body Weight (in kgs or lbs)

Health Information (HIV, Diabetes, Low BP, High BP, Heart Ailments, Other)

Like I would ever tell anybody my real weight.

 

In ‘Education and Career’ we have :

Would you prefer working after marriage (Yes, No, Don’t mind)

Name of School/College/University last attended

Job Level (Top Management, Senior Management, Senior Executive, Executive)

Like every girl is going to fall into that trap and say she wants to sit at home and eat cake.

 

In ‘Location’ we have:

Zip/Pin code

Like the bank manager who stalked me wasn’t bad enough.

 

In ‘Family details’ we have

Native Place

Affluence Level (Affluent, Upper Middle Class, Middle Class, Lower class)

Like being rejected for being the wrong caste isn’t enough to contend with. In terms of affluence, a few guys have asked me about my state of affairs, ie if I have my own house etc, or if being the only child do I get spoilt and will my parents be leaving everything to me.

Maybe they have added these sections because people have asked for them. Definitely TMI.

I found one

A virgin that is.

He was 39 and a lawyer, a shaadi dot commie who initiated contact with me. He added me on MSN (which again, is the worst medium for communicating to a potential partner)

We had some polite conversation, asking about work and family etc.

He asked if I was a virgin, I said yes. (He said that’s good, and he also was a virgin and was waiting for marriage)

He asked if I swore, I said sometimes.

He asked if I tried shisha, I said yes.

He asked if I smoke shisha, I said maybe a few times a year if that, but I wouldn’t call it a habit.

Had some mundane chat, and then I said I was going to go, and if he wanted to communicate further to feel free to drop me an email. Yes I look forward to it he said.

He did indeed get in touch with me…he emailed me to tell me I wasn’t compatible with him. He said I don’t want to marry somebody who has ever tried shisha, or marry somebody who swears.

The truth does indeed set you free.

I want to say something about hymens, and pipes and mouths, but I won’t.

Just let me know…

…where I stand.

OK. So I’m not always the sharpest tool in the box, when it comes to guys anyway and reading signals.

A lot of times when I’ve had encounters (non potential partner situations) afterwards it’s been pointed out to me that ‘he really likes you’.

Huh? The thing is that I’m fairly consistent with everyone; guys, girls, family, friends, colleagues, neighbours, shop assistants etc. (Except I tell the girls more rude jokes) I’m nice, easygoing and normal, and if people are being friendly too, well I just think they are being nice and normal too? I genuinely don’t read anything into it. I don’t think this is naivety on my part as such, more a case of you get what you give.

My life would be so much easier if people actually just told me what they were thinking, or even give me a sign, or just didn’t beat around the bush so much. Finding out via a third or sometimes fifth party is a bit of a bummer, I really like confidence in a man, I find it extremely attractive, and it’s a definite bonus point earner.

Now I know guys will worry about being slapped down, I suppose I’m thinking more along the lines of where there is a gaggle of girlfriends that surround you…but how about an old-fashioned letter? or email? or flowers? And preferably within the week, not 8 months later.

There’s been a few times where I have taken the initiative, and the fact that it didn’t pan out hasn’t put me off. You know what they say nothing ventured and all that.  One guy I passed my name, number and message to whilst at an airport to collect somebody’s parents who were returning from Hajj (not mine, puhleese!)  He text me the next day to politely decline, and thank me for noticing him, as he was married. He was really hot though, and had stubble, and was wearing ethnic…

However, from a  girls point of view (a hijaabi girls anyway) sometimes it’s better to get your mates to scope the situation too.

So please. Just tell me what you’re thinking, and let me know what you’re feeling.

…

I like ellipses…even the word itself, it sounds like whispers…

…I don’t think I use them enough…

And they sound like Wispa too, which isn’t a bad thing.