3 Strikes

As I get older, in some ways I find I have mellowed, and in others…well not so much. I find constantly that my tolerance levels are significantly reduced, and I simply don’t have the patience for bs really.

Perhaps the problem is me, I’m too nicey nice, and sweet, and silly, and funny, and messing about, and cracking jokes, and friendly…mostly. And if I ever deviate from this pattern of behaviour, people around me tend to ask what’s the matter. Whether this is genuine concern or not; I’m not always sure, maybe they ask for the sake of asking…like when you tell people you’re taking your cat to the vet. I’m sure most of them couldn’t give a monkeys about Tiddles, but they will ask nevertheless.

(as an aside I didn’t mean to blow my own trumpet,I’m not fabulous all of the time, just most of it)

Somedays, I can’t be bothered.  When you just don’t give a damn and want to be left alone, and don’t want to have to expend energy on anybody but yourself.. Being generous comes back to bite you in the ar*e. Somedays I’m PMT/PMS. Somedays I’m tired, or believe it or not, my universe is off kilter.

Throughout a fair bit of my adult life I have adopted my 3 strikes and you’re out policy. Heavily referred to when meeting potentials for marriage. I genuinely do try to see the good in people. I like to give people a fair chance, because hey we all make mistakes right? We’re only human. Some people take a wee while longer to get it right, I can forgive you once, twice…I really do want to believe that people genuinely are nice, warm souls. That our imperfections and flaws make us unique, and people don’t mean to being horrid or hurtful.

(There are some occasions when I do lose my head, and it becomes a simple ‘F*CK OFF’.)

Except lately, I finding I’m becoming less tolerant. Perhaps my generosity is being taken for granted. Or I’m just turning into a grumpy old woman. I’m just annoyed these days at lies, hypocrisy and selfishness.

People that know me, will all vouch for the fact that I talk a lot. And I mean a lot, I can spend 4 hours in a conversation and only stop because batteries are dead or phones are burning. Now Anybody that has my number, will know that I text a lot too. Partly because I have a very generous texting allowance, but mostly because if I’m thinking about you at 2am I want to tell you about it, and will usually send a text that you can see first thing in the morning, as opposed to ringing you and waking you up.

The past week or so I’ve been receiving text messages from a so-called friend, and as there has been so much going on, what with the family death, and my close friends partner dying too, sitting typing out huge essay text replies has been the last thing on my mind. I’ve sent short replies, pretty much to the point…Yet this wasn’t good enough, and she started asking my other friend to ‘have a word with me, to find out what she has meant to have done wrong’ I was so unbelievably annoyed at this that I text her to say how dare you text K. It’s D’s funeral today. (she knew my friend too) I thought this might have made her contrite, apologetic and ashamed to say the least. But no, I get a reply saying that why am I not talking to her? I cannot express how angry this made me, I mean seriously, if she had been near me I think I would have pulled her hair and gouged her eyes out. What the f*ck is wrong with people? Why can’t some people stop and think about somebody aside from themselves just once. I was absolutely raging on Friday, coupled with the emotion of the funeral I felt like my head was all over the place.  the thing is, I probably would have got in touch properly over the weekend to catch up properly and to talk it out…but my weekend was filled with texts and emails, apologetic but needy. I couldn’t be bothered.

Sometimes I think it’s good to talk, to let people know where they stand, to sort it out. You know, so they know how and why they have made mistake, and if they so wish how to make amends.

Sometimes, it’s better to ignore them. So you won’t say something in the heat of the moment that you will regret, giving you have time to think coolly, with a clear unfuddled head, and deliver the right response. Mostly though, I like to observe silence, because it’s the easiest way to make somebody suffer…as terrible as that sounds, I don’t want to give the other person the satisfaction getting a reply from me, like they think their grovelling and pleading is working. Is that so wrong? Am I evil?

As I get older, I realise more and more, there are some things and people who are just not worth the time, I don’t wish to expend my energy on something/somebody who doesn’t add value to my life, whose negativity I can do without, somebody who had their chance and blew it. I figure that by the law of averages (Allah Swt knows best) I have probably lived half of my life, so the other half I want to enjoy, and be at peace, not waste my time here, definitely not stress about insignificant issues that pale in comparison to what else is going on.

Whatever is to be, will be Inshallah.

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~ by Honest Waffle on 05/10/2009.

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