The Little Knob

A while ago I made contact with a guy from shaadi dot com, let’s call him D. We emailed a few times, he told me he worked in a consultancy firm in London, told me that he was very well educated; he’d gained not one, but two degrees from Cambridge university. he repeated this a few times in his emails, which is fair enough, people have every right to be proud of their achievements. He sounded very pleasant, and okish (don’t they all?) I had also seen his pic, and he was an okay looking bloke. He hadn’t yet seen my picture, but I had made him aware that I wear a headscarf, he said it wasn’t a problem, and so I passed on my number, and said I would send him my picture, just to get it out of the way, and he wanted to chat then to call me, and if not then fair enough and good luck.

So he rang, and he said (I promise you I can still remember his words, and it’s been about 6 odd years)

‘I’ve seen your picture. You’re quite pretty…Hijaabis are usually ugly, but you’re still f*ckable’

Yes, that’s right, let it sink in please.

When I heard the first part of the conversation, the compliment, I was obviously feeling complimented,  then my head moved onto the hijaabis being ugly, I thought he was being funny, and messing around…the way I sometimes say beardo weirdo (and I really am just being silly with that because it rhymes) And by the time that had sunk in, I think my mind had skimmed over the second offensive part. Whereupon, I said ‘What did you say?’ because surely, I MUST have heard it wrongly, there is no way anybody would ever say that, would they?

But no, he repeated it, word for word. And all that time ago, I can’t believe the best response I could formulate was,  ‘I can’t believe you just said that to me, how dare you be so rude’. And I hung up.

And he rang back, and again, and again and again. In the space of an hour there must have been about 20 missed calls, I put my phone on silent, and into my handbag and went to bed. When I woke in the morning there were eighty something missed calls. So I went to work, and checked my phone periodically, and there would be more missed calls, and texts, good grief the countless ‘sorry’ texts. This continued for about 3 days, and then after a day or so I got an email apologising profusely for what he said, and please could he call me to apologise. Remember my 3 strikes rule? So I decided that I would let him ring. I text him to say that he was getting 4 minutes, and that I didn’t want to hear from him again, and to please respect my wishes. So D. rings me, and immediately apologised. He did sound sorry I suppose, but it is just a word after all. He went on for a bit, about how he is lonely, and didn’t mean it…that he’d had only a couple of girlfriends, and he thought they split up with him because he  had a small penis. Yes that’s right, that’s exactly what he said. He then said ‘it’s only 2 inches’.

Oh.My.God. What can you possibly say to that? After a brief hesitation, I said I wasn’t comfortable with such intimate details, and I didn’t think it was a good idea to share so much (I’m nice, always too damn nice) I ended the conversation quite quickly after that, partly to get off the phone, but mostly because I knew I was dying to guffaw like a snorty horse. And I did.

It doesn’t end there. He started to ring me late at night, and leave me voicemails where he would be, ummm…pleasuring himself. this continued for a few weeks, and he either got bored or found somebody else to annoy.

He also rang me about six months later, catching me unawares from a different number, to tell me he’d had surgery , it had given him an extra half inch. Something about ligaments? I wish I could have said go f*ck yourself, but sadly I don’t think it would have been possible. I just asked him to stop contacting me, or I would get the police involved.

About 2 years ago my good friend S. rang me who stays in London. (We have been friends for a long time, and he knew the story about D. He would call him D. with the small dick, as his name is fairly common, and S. naturally found it a great source of amusement) He said he had been in touch with a girl from shaadi dot com, who had recalled the almost exact same experience to him, the names matched, the place of work, no mum, one sibling…and yes his penis hadn’t gotten any bigger.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m flypaper for freaks.

I suppose I can laugh now. It taught me an invaluable lesson; that education doesn’t guarantee class or manners. Frankly he could stick his Cambridge degrees where the sun didn’t shine.

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~ by Honest Waffle on 16/10/2009.

9 Responses to “The Little Knob”

  1. Ewwww!!! That’s why it’s so important to be extra careful – especially when you open yourself up to a minefield of potential weirdos (or, more politely, misguided desperate souls). I’m surprised you give your phone number out…it can be really dangerous.

  2. WFT?!?! Girl, you are too nice and you have to re-evaluate that 3 strikes rule because some people dont deserve a second change.

    What a FREAK!!! Who talks like that? Who thinks its OK to talk like that? Man he’s lucky it wasn’t me, I would have humiliated him 😛

  3. Dreamlife – I used to be very wry of giving out my phone numbers, and then would find emailign slow and tedious. Also, the line ‘you can trust me’ was used an awful lot. Naievely, I did think I could trust a fellow Muslim, and was proved oh so wrong! I’m more careful now, and a lot better at dealing with any rubbish.

    Azra – I am too nice. I have re-evaluated my rule, and now I’m labelled a bitch, not that I care, I’m nice to those who matter! I think he will be humiliated enough the next time some poor gal has the misfortune to see him naked! 😀

  4. How is it you keep attracting such morons? Maybe you need to choose better hunting grounds, eh?

  5. I think it’s a case of slim pickings. Those “better hunting grounds” don’t exist.

  6. TNT, maybe so, I can’t imagine how these fools don’t realize that there are other perverts doing the same thing to their sisters, nieces, and cousins. But I guess this is what happens when boys grow up and their only experience of the opposite gender is internet porn, they simply don’t know any other way to relate.

  7. Omg, what a freaking idiot…did he seriously think you would take him seriously afer that shit…bloody ass hole doesnt desereve to have a dick.

    Sorry you had to go through that sis…try and be careful next time.

  8. AF – I second what TNT says, it’s getting harder to find potentials, let alone actually finding the one. I’m trying all avenues at teh moment, the web, through family, setups through friends too. Not yet done speed dating, I don’t think I could handle being rejected by people en masse in the space of an hour.

    Mina – Considering the size he was, I think it’s fair to say he probably almost doesn’t. I am careful now, but equally find it sad and amusing that guys in their mid to late thirties act like this. Don’t they have better things to do?

  9. I hope you reported him to Shaadi. There needs to be stringent measures to ensure that those who abuse the platform are reported, & cannot create new profiles.

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