To be or not to be

A recurring question that comes up throughout my search for a husband, is whether or not I’m a virgin.

I used to get quite hacked off at this, then a friend of mine who I was complaining to, told me that in this day and age surely people have the right to ask, as we are all meant to be chaste and pure till marriage? Isn’t it their prerogative to do so? He said he would never ask a girl that, because he doesn’t think it’s an important issue, and that if he really needed to know, he would ask later down the line if the need arose. Fair enough. I recall there being an ayah in the Quran about ‘the chaste for the chaste’. Even so I find it rather distasteful, especially if it’s asked within the first few minutes.

A little tact goes a long way.

Some time ago a guy made contact with me through shaadi dot com. His profile seemed ok, was nice looking, I reckon about 7 out of 10. Used all the correct Allah words…seemed fairly normal. So we emailed briefly and he asked for my number, in order to ring me. And he did. After a few minutes of pleasantries he said ‘Can I ask you a personal question?’.  At which point my heart always sinks with disappointment, yes go on I said. He asked if I was a virgin.

Now I believe in being upfront and honest, and I always say I have nothing to lose by being myself, and I always say it like it is. But whenever I’m asked this I’m always tempted to lie, sometimes out of just annoyance to give them the wrong answer, but sometimes because I can’t be bothered with this line of questioning. I asked him why he needed to know, and he said it was important for him to marry a virgin. Initially I thought maybe he is one too…So I answered truthfully, that yes I was. He said ‘ That’s really good. I want to marry a virgin because she will be a good mother to my children’.

I replied ‘So you think having one’s hymen intact makes them a better Mother?’ (Yes, I was being slightly sarcastic, but he didn’t pick up on it)  He said that in his opinion he wanted a woman who hadn’t been with anybody, and therefore be a pure Mother to his children. I then said, that it didn’t matter to me but would he mind answering the same question? He said that he wasn’t. I said that what if I were to have the same attitude as him? and reject him on his lack of virginity? He responded with ‘it was only one woman’.

The gall of it! I cannot believe some people, I mean honestly.

I cannot stand two-facedness, hypocrisy or double standards…or just sheer damn stupidity for that matter. I told him that I couldn’t possibly consider marrying a man who was so judgemental and narrow-minded, as only Allah Swt has the right to judge anybody. I’m sure we have all done things we aren’t proud of, but that kind of attitude gets you nowhere.

I’m genuinely not concerned by somebody’s sexual history; partly because I know I will be hard pushed to find a virgin bloke in my potential partner age bracket, and also because it really doesn’t bother me. If anything I may ask somebody to perhaps undergo a STD test, depending on how many partners they have had…I don’t know.  I do believe that what’s past is past, and if I thought they were definite marriage material then it would be a non-issue. People make mistakes all the time, (if they consider it a mistake) it’s important that we learn from them, and don’t repeat them. Allah Swt is most forgiving, so who are we to hold someone’s previous conduct against them.

I have known people who have been skirt chasing wild boys who have changed for the better, they have repented and looked forward and moved on. Besides who is to say that some chaste person won’t turn out to be an idiot later?

I have chosen to keep myself for marriage for a variety of reasons. Please God I don’t want to die a virgin thanks.


~ by Honest Waffle on 19/10/2009.

13 Responses to “To be or not to be”

  1. I find it amazing how narrow minded and ignorant most of the guys are. Repressed too…

  2. Azra – Narrow minded and hypocritical. I think it’s all these mummy’s boys who in essence don’t really know how to conduct themselves with any sort of respect when speaking to a member of the opposite sex. Ugh, I despair.

  3. “Please God I don’t want to die a virgin thanks.” HAHA you’re funny. As for this fellow…(and many others like him), I don’t get it. I totally agree with you, what’s in the past is in the past. I believe if a person repents and changes then who are we as humans to judge them? I honestly believe that question would definitely be the make or break question for me…ask it and there’s a 99.9% chance I’m going to say “next…”

  4. HW, Unfortunately they lack general tact, it isn’t exclusive to their interactions with the opposite gender. I remember one time I ran into a board member of our local masjid in my doctor’s office, he seemed to think nothing of asking me what I was there to see the doctor for, ugh. What rocks have these people crawled out from under?

  5. My 2c worth…

    I think most men want to believe they were the first to land on the moon, it makes up for their lack of skill and talent if she has nothing to compare it too. How good is anything if you only can one “brand”? I honestly dont care. I think I sometimes give the impression that it matters mainly because I am snob with other things like intellect and being able to type out a text and use vowels, but all things happen for a reason. And chaste, as far as I am concerned is more than having carnal knowledge, its your mind and approach.

    I am embarrassed to be a man when you get men in this day and age with a village mentality. I mean talk about having the proverbial chip on the shoulder. I think what we should be asking for is someone who has learnt from their experiences, whose lessons in life will benefit you and who will love you without condition. Or am I being a modern day bitch about this?

    I am not the most pious of people I readily admit. And things happen that happen. and you cant change it. I think its just another reason for Muslims to be judgmental, to be divisive and to play the class card, in whatever form.

  6. doublehp: if this was facebook, I’d give you the thumbs up!

  7. HB – I don’t! I’m quite serious when I say that, it would be a pity not to put some of my double-jointedness to use 😉
    It used to be a make or break question, but I suppose if you are looking for a marriage partner, then you ask what you deem important, even if the other person doesn’t. I think it’s more that I get asked so soon when contact has been established, that is what irks me.
    I wonder how guys would feel if a girl asked them that question?
    Would it bother them?

    AF – Ugh indeed. I agree with you, but I suppose that’s just rudeness in itself. Almost as bad as asking people what they earn.

    Double HP – I agree with you re chaste being a state of mind, and not just physicality. My gender have a lot to answer for too, so I share the embarrassment. Some people consider their past an experience or a mistake, I’m not bothered by either, just as long as he loves me. Pious is a strong word to use, often bandied about eagerly by the holier-than-thou types. I reckon that most of us are ‘moderate’; we do what we do, what we do. Sh*t happens, we deal with, and we move on. End of.

    You mean Muslims actually have reasons for being judgemental pricks? I’m sure most of them think it’s their God given right.

  8. To be totally honest, if i were interested in marriage, and currently I am not, I would want a virgin, the reason being I am one. While i agree, people make mistakes, I think it is also about sharing moral outlook on life. The way i see it, and obviously it is the way it should be (forgive me if i sound preachy), if a girl isn’t married she is a virgin. I take that for granted. If she isn’t, that would be a dealbreaker as they say.

  9. I think an individual’s moral standards can change from time to time. For example, I am far more religious (not saying I’m pious) than I used to be 5 years ago and I avoid a LOT of things that in my mind fall under the “hazy” category when it comes to what is halal and haraam. Being a virgin, myself, of course I would ideally want to marry a virgin. However, quite honestly, if a person’s personality is compatible with mine and if he seems like a good Muslim NOW and I feel he would be a good companion, then insha’Allah what happened in the past is history. If he has repented to his Rabb and if HE the almighty is so merciful…then why can’t I be? Wallahu Alam.

  10. in regards to Waseem – a person’s moral outlook can change in both directions. I’ve seen it

  11. Hijabified got it spot on

  12. Actually in my opinion there is nothing morally wrong with a non-virgin wanting a virgin to marry, just like there’s nothing wrong with me as someone who can’t/won’t cook wanting someone who will, or a girl who won’t work wanting someone who will. Depending on the reasons, it may not even be hypocritical.

    Anyone has the right to ask for whatever they want in a partner, irrespective of their own happen-stance. Of course the person they’re propositioning also has as much right to tell them which exact bridge to take a running jump off. What you can’t do is criticise someone for knowing what they want.

  13. Shak – There isn’t anything wrong with it, i think I was annoyed at the timing of the question, and the reason behind it. If he said it’s a matter of male pride, that he want’s to be my first, then fair enough…but being a good mother?

    Agreed that it does depend on reasons.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: