Put up and shut up

I was given some sad news today. One of my friends, who has been married for mere months is getting divorced. Her husband is one who talks with his fists.

Unfortunately, it’s not the first time I’ve heard of a story like this. My other friend S. ended up being married to a cowardly pr*ck who used the same method of communicating. In fact, now that I’m thinking about it there are a fair few girls who have admitted to being slapped around by their husbands. I know one girl who was pregnant, and her husband cracked her ribs…that was her wake-up call.

Why do they put up with it? Is it our stupid culture that teaches these girls that the man is king? His word is law?

And what rock do these cowards crawl out under from? Is their need to exert control over their wives so great they forget how to treat somebody with decency?

My own cousin got divorced not long after her wedding for the same reason, a few Aunties said she should have stuck it out, he would have calmed down.

Would they have said the same thing if it were their own daughter? Or is that just the way it goes? You’re married. End of. For better for worse. You’re expected to stick it out, no matter what…you take his crap, because you’re the wife, you should be patient, you will be rewarded, he’s a man, he’s temperamental don’t nag him.

And the scary part is, that some of these guys were the so-called religious ones…you know, long beards, wore thobes, ankles always exposed, family observing strict purdah. 

My friend S. married into such a  family, because you know it was such a good match, the family were highly thought of, such a lucky girl. She was a good obedient daughter, she agreed to it. Initially it was good, but then he became more controlling, and she wouldn’t see her friends of family, she became so withdrawn, and lost all her self-confidence, she had two children already, and pregnant with the third. She was at her parents house when she went into labour, he never came, and has never seen his son, or any of his children again. But she is so much happier. People talk about her being on her own, but she is much better off like this, she got her groove back.

One of my local friends…her sister in law walked out after twelve odd years of marriage, taking the three children with her. Of course my friend and her Mum are devastated, but she admits her brother has a problem with his temper. He hasn’t ever raised a hand to her, it’s just his manner and short temper, and moods. And so the sister-in-law must have just given up and gone. They are now in the business of wrangling out access for the children via the courts. I said to my friend, I know you’re upset for your brother…but be honest could you put up with that day in day out? For the next thirty odd years? Her answer was of course no. She said what about the kids? I said, it’s precisely for the kids that’s she has done it. No self-respecting woman would put her children through that.

Forget making money or pursuing education, the most important thing you can teach your sons is respect. Some of the conduct of so-called Muslim men disgusts me.

If I gave up everything to marry a man, gave him my heart and soul… and if he so much as laid a finger on me I would castrate him, seriously. I won’t take any cr*p ever, never have done, never will do.

 

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~ by Honest Waffle on 08/11/2009.

18 Responses to “Put up and shut up”

  1. I’m with you on this one! The moment my husband ever lays a hand on me out anger will be his last. Insha’Allah I’ll never have to deal with such circumstance.

    I think the whole thing with women sticking it out has a lot to do with what culture has taught us, unfortunately. But I think it also has to do with the shame factor…how would society look at a girl who walked out on her marriage because her husband has a bad temper. People don’t like domestic violence to be known…its shameful to the ego. May Allah (SWT) give these women strength and the intelligence to know what they are worth (ameen) and may He keep them safe. And may he protect the rest of us from spouses like these. Ameen.

  2. Your posts make me wonder just how far away Glasgow is from London.

    I realise that each situation is different and most have more than one person to blame… but do you know of any stories like these where it’s the woman who is the main cause of the divorce?

  3. HB – Ameen.

    Shak – Glasgow from London?
    I started the post on guys hitting their wives, and got into something else halfway through. I know one girl who slapped her husband back (she was a big lass), and he gave her talaq instantly. In divorce terms though, there are always two sides to a story, I just feel smacking somebody is going too far. Sure people argue and squabble. Nowadays though, marriages fall apart within months, and yes both parties are to blame equally, and worryingly, I’m increasingly hearing about girls mums being the biggest troublemakers, trying to dictate everything in the marriage. And guys won’t put up with it. Nor should they. That’s perhaps another blog post.

  4. Hitting your spouse, insulting them, belittling them, any kind of abuse really, is haraam, divorce is halaal, some people have no sense. The day I left my abusive marriage was like the day the sun comes out after a long winter. The only thing I’ve ever regretted is staying as long as I did.

  5. AF – How long were you married?

  6. 7 years, which was about 6 3/4 years too many. I say that, but I do have 2 wonderful sons, so, irrespective of how the marriage turned out I don’t really have any regrets, its a commentary on the marriage, not on life.

  7. if any of my brother in laws ever layed a finger on my sisters violently well the next step would not be pretty for them. but they’re all ok in that sense at least.

    this whole paki culture is broken in many ways hard to know how to fix it.

  8. I believe that there are non-Pakistani wifebeaters in this world too. Not that we shouldn’t focus any less on our own, but still.

  9. Mash – My cousin’s husband used to push her around, she didn’t tell us till he actually walked out on her. I plan to give him a good hiding if he ever comes back to this country. It’s only natural to want to get revenge on those that hurt your loved ones.

    Shak – There are indeed, I know of a few Gujarati lot. Like Mash said before, we have forgotten how to be Muslims.

  10. Well as a Pakistani Gujarati, that still doesn’t sit well with me 🙂

    Wifebeating is a universal and agnostic sin. It’s not just about being Muslim or from the subcontinent. To focus on just a few select demographics kinda implies that it’s somehow worse when it happens in them.

  11. Shak – I agree, it’s wrong on every level regardless on what demographic you happen to fall into. In a way though I think it is worse, when you are a so-called Islamically knowledged person perpetrating the abuse. I’m sure there are allsorts who do this, I just chose to write about some of the ones that I know of.

  12. >In a way though I think it is worse, when you are a so-called Islamically knowledged person perpetrating the abuse.

    Unfortunately with such a attitude you’re still half-excusing the non-Muslims who do it. But more dangerous than that it smacks of some kind of insular elitism, as if Islam is the only effective solution to wife-beating. It’s not. In my opinion this is exactly what’s keeping the problem going – I’m betting the people you’re talking about above believed themselves to be good Muslims while they were smacking their wives around.

  13. It has been my experience that the muslims who abuse their spouses, both men and women, typically use religious justifications for their actions, they will claim to be combatting evil in their homes, its just stupid. Self-righteous BS.

  14. Shak – I mean the hypocrisy and double-standards. That when you know how you are supposed to conduct yourself as a Muslim, and choose not to, you can observe all the pillars etc, but forget Huqooq Al Ibad. Some of the guys I refer to are Alims.
    Like AF said, people do use religious justification, to back up their conduct, but in one of the cases, the husband didn’t. It was simply about control, and making a point of who is in charge.

    Nobody is excused from domestic violence. Muslim or not.

  15. I’m still not sure how a Muslim wife beater is any more hypocritical or guilty of double standards than a non-Muslim wife beater.

    My point is this: if you keep using subjective Islam as a frame of reference to stop Muslims from wifebeating you’re doomed to fail – they’ll simply say you’re wrong in your opinion. Stalemate.

    OTOH convince someone that wifebeating is wrong for more universal and objective reasons and it’s more likely that they’ll adjust their Islamic opinion afterwards to suit. Would you rather someone not beat their wife just ‘cos their religion says so (even thought they really really want to), or for them to inherently not want to irrespective of what they believe? I reckon the former isn’t really an improvement at all.

  16. >I reckon the former isn’t really an improvement at all.

    Just to clarify this: it’s not an improvement since such a person will merely find another, more “Islamically acceptable” way of making his wife miserable.

  17. Shak – I highly doubt anyone would agree with my opinion if it went so strongly against their actions. Unfortunately knowledge doesn’t always mean practice ( in reference to the learned ones)

    And yes I agree it’s the whole psyche, not just one aspect of an individual. Of course I think that people should act in a decent manner full stop, encompassing morals and good virtues etc.

  18. […] P.S. I’d like to share with you a piece written by a fellow blogger on physical abuse.  Click here. […]

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