The test drivers

Apologies if this is offensive, I would also like to issue a TMI warning.

I had actually rejoined shaadi dot com after a few years of nothingness. Partly due to family going on at me about getting married, but also because I thought it was time for me to make a serious effort on my part too, instead of just waiting for Mr Right to appear magically.

So it was a while ago when I re-registered. I couldn’t remember my details from the last time I used it, which was about five years ago I think, and that’s how I met my then seeing-each-other-leading-to-marriage-boyfriendish-person.

I had actually forgotten what it was like to be back on there. The first decline is still always the worst, no matter if you have done it all before. I do find that over this time, I have blips in my self-esteem, being e-rejected will do wonders for your self-confidence. Not. I know it’s a screen, and I know I can console myself that it’s their loss, but to be rejected by a click is still a bit disheartening.

In the first few weeks I had a lot of interest, fresh meat perhaps?

However in the first month something strange happened. I had four guys ask me about having pre-marital sex.

5 years ago, I was never asked anything of the sort. I mean I had the usual nonsense about my dress size, and asked about my favourite fantasy, but it had never gone this far. I couldn’t believe that in such a short time the game had changed so much, and to such an extent. And the fact that it happened four times in the initial month is what threw me, I began to wonder if this was now the norm for Muslims seeking a marriage partner?

One guy was around 38, let’s call him F. he was a divorcee. We got on really well, he was ok looking, he thought I was attractive, we had a lot of things in common, we got on quite well. So he brought up a conversation about being together as a couple (hypothetically) once we had agreed to be married. And if he had physical needs, would I be willing to fulfil them as he would consider me his partner.

I said that I would want to wait for marriage, and to be really honest it’s not like I would be having a long engagement, as 1) I don’t agree with them 2) Like my Mum hasn’t been secretly planning my wedding since I hit puberty, I would probably be married within six weeks anyway 3) If two people know they want to get married, just get on with it, why the delay? 

He  said that he felt that sex was something he would like to explore with his partner before marriage, in order to make sure they were compatible. I said that I was not a car to be test driven, and I would like for my partner to respect my views on the matter and be patient. He said I was being very naive. he went on to tell me that he had two friends that got married to each other, and they both came to him separately because they were having problems in the bedroom, and that I should realise how serious a matter it is, that once the physical side of things suffers, it will lead to other problems in the marriage too. I asked him if that’s why he was divorced, and he said no. It was a lengthy conversation, with him saying things like ‘but we would be getting married anyway’ etc. I again reiterated what I had previously said…in the end I said look there is no point continuing because we obviously want and expect very different things. It didn’t just end there. He sent me numerous text messages telling me that ‘You will be miserable when you get married, because you will end up with a man who can’t satisfy you’, and ‘don’t come complaining to me when it goes wrong’ and ‘mark my words’, and ‘you will regret not being with me’.

One of the other guys asked me in the first phone conversation, about sleeping together before marriage, because he wanted to be sure that he would be sexually compatible with his wife, and that he’d always had sex with his previous girlfriends. The other two said something similar. There is even a current profile on shaadi dot com which states in its closing lines ‘please note that I may wish to engage in a physical  relationship before marriage, so bear this in mind when making contact’.

Now, I know plenty of girls who have sex before marriage. I understand how and why it happens; you’re in love, you’re alone, he says the right things, and your emotions get the better of you and before you know it you are bumping uglies. Consensual sex I should add, it’s not always a case of being pressured. These things happen. If I was a different person I might well be having the sex too.

But I’m not. I’m also acutely aware that if this was a conventional rishta coming to my house for tea and samosas they wouldn’t ask me this. Does the anonymity of the web allow them to be upfront? or do they just see it as asking what they deem to be important?

I think the sex is important.

Except I’m hardly going to put that on my profile. Or put on that I spent a year learning burlesque, and that I can do a striptease to the pink panther theme. It’s a standing joke between my friends that I’m not to be disturbed for a year after marriage because I will be having the sex and making up for lost time. I will try anything once as long as it isn’t haraam.

I like to think that I would do whatever I had to, to make my husband happy (and vice versa), sexual or otherwise. I draw the line at gimp masks though. Without going off on a tangent I do believe in give and take, and even if that for me is give and give, then so be it.

Maybe shaadi dot com need another info section ‘Sexual proclivities’ with a yes/no against lights on, nurse outfits, mirrored ceilings.Where you could describe your outlook on it as traditional, moderate or liberal. I’m all for even talking frankly about the sex to be had, if I was in the position of having found the one.

Actions speak louder than words…I want to be a really good wife Inshallah, but equally what if I wasn’t able to live up to his performance standards? Yes I know it’s about communicating with one another etc. and being open, honest and upfront. Does love really conquer all? If I throw religiosity into the mix, is it safe to assume that because we are Muslims he will ignore the below par sex? That piety negates the need to have your toes curl in the throes of passion?

Have I gone too far?


~ by Honest Waffle on 15/11/2009.

6 Responses to “The test drivers”

  1. I think it’s a numbers things. Assuming a 20% dickhead rate however you look for someone, the sheer absolute numbers available online means you get a higher number of dickheads. Online also means there’s no middleman to get in the way.

    Did these guys contact you or vice versa? Perhaps dickheads are more proactive too. Then again, they do get married before nice guys… (excuse my bitterness :D)

  2. Shak – It probably is, although four in the first month? That is what threw me. I can’t remember about who initiated the contact, probably me because it’s not like they come across that way in their profiles?. Although one of my friends who I complain to said it’s probably the case that some girls do respond to them positively, which may lead them to believe that all girls may act accordingly? Hence they are always going to be trying their luck.
    Dickheads sometimes end up with the lying girls, so no need to be bitter.

  3. I think the internet makes people brave. If these douche canoes had to go with their parents to your house, they wouldnt say what they said to you, meaning its not that important and that they arent serious about marriage. I think they use as a pick up and stupid girls actually believe the line that you need to be test driven before they deal is done. We’re all adults here so let me say this, open your eyes and think, what if he says you arent compatible?

    Wake the eff up and smell the coffee. if they arent serious about you now, and lack respect now, what is going to change after you get married? That’s your test drive.

  4. I admire you so much, let me just say that 😀

    Fantastic post. I feel the same. I will talk and joke about sex very candidly with my friends all the time, but it doesn’t mean that I believe in humping everything that moves, or engaging in such activities pre-maritally.

    It’s sad and sickening the level of moral degradation in society. If I had to meet someone like that, I’d probably say yes and then cut his willy off, hand it to him and say goodbye 😛

  5. HHP – I think they are trying their luck, and yes I hardly expect a prospective rishta to ask my bra size or other such nonsense, in the presence of my or their parents. The internet allows people to be disrespectful in whichever manner they please. Idiots.

    Azra – Exactly, I’m not a prude, but just because I don’t want to engage in a conversation with you about bl*wjobs, it hardly makes me frigid (which I have been called before) It’s sad, and it only seems to be getting worse. I have came across all sorts, and it’s not instilling much confidence in me to find a decent, normal guy. I mean, it’s ok to be a sex-crazed filthy minded animal…just let me find out after the wedding.

  6. Somewhat cathartic… and mostly funny 🙂

    more reasons to stay off the digital hey?

    i have so much to say about the online lifestyle… but the irony of doing so online beats me into silence.

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